Sobriety Challenges, Day 6

It's Sunday, St. Patrick's Day.... I woke up thinking about my bitter relationship with my ex-husband and his girlfriend of one year. I don't want to think about them anymore. Within the last week, what has been a amicable relationship between he and I, has become unfortunate, because of actions of he and his girlfriend. We can no longer work together around the children due to constant deception and undercutting on their part... So, how it affects my sobriety.... Both my ex and his girlfriend are ER Nurses, I am a Hospice Nurse. According to them, this makes me less than them in the hierarchy of nursing. This became of issue during a recent injury/ER visit for one of my daughters, in which I was barely allowed to speak on her behalf, because I am an idiot. While this is untrue, as any alcoholic knows, it is insanely easy to make us feel awful about ourselves. Despite my feeling like crap about myself all of a sudden, I am blessed with a wonderful sponsor and wonderful man in my life who both said, what would you like to do about this............ And so, the current, horrifically uncomfortable journey. It's time to stand up and assert myself as the children's advocate. I have left too much go for too long, and my three girls have suffered for that. I am pulling up my big girl panties and going after them. In my favorite movie, Love Actually, there is a line that is now my inspiration: "When friends become bullies, they are no longer friends. And since bullies only respond to strength, I shall be much stronger... And they should be prepared for that!" And so it is, from the mouth of Hugh Grant, I am standing up to my bullies. I am praying, going to meetings, talking to my sponsor, shielding my girls, and am pissed that my ex and his girlfriend are screwing up my joyous, peaceful world.... but most of all, I AM NOT DRINKING, NO MATTER WHAT!!

THE ONLY WAY YOU'LL LOSE YOUR GIRLS IS IF YOU DRINK

As usual, the beginning of my blogging will start with.... wow, I haven't done this in a while! I have developed a world of peace, and rarely feel the need to vent. I have a sponsor, some friends in recovery, pray regularly, but rarely journal. Typically, I use facebook to gush about my hapiness, my wonderful children and how blessed I feel. This week I have become saddened. My peaceful little world has taken an unfortunate turn. My Ex-husband, whom I usually get along with very well in managing the children, has decided that he and his girlfriend of 1 year are better equipped to care for and make decisions for my children. So, the peaceful, cooperative divorce is about to become ugly. I am being forced to fight for my rights as a mother and for the rights of my children. It's made me sick all week. I have been on the phone with my sponsor more this week than in the last year.... I haven't felt this uncomfortable since I became sober..... My fear, that they will try to persuade my girls that they are better for them, or that I am being mean to them by taking their dad back to court and renegotiating the 9 yr long agreement. My sponsors response to this.... "The only way you'll lose your girls is if you drink!!" And there you have it...I love her!! So, my sweet, peaceful blog, that has no followers.... I will be using you to vent over the coming months to attempt to preserve my sanity. I need to journal, I need to go to more meetings, I need to trust God, I need to stay sober. I can walk through this!!!

How time flies....it's June, my oldest just turned 12, I'm working at easily the best job I've ever had, I'm in love and I'm still sober. I was just reading my last blogs and remembering what a difficult time that was. I feel thankful that the program has given me the tools to have made it through some pretty difficult times. Through diligence and use of the tool I have stayed sober. I was thinking the other day about how fortunate I am. This week I spent my daughters bday doing fun things with her....it has been two years since I last was able to do that. My disease robbed me ofant things that recovery allows me to participate in today! I often wish that I could grab everyone in their disease and tell them that the promises are true....greater than I ever expected or could have wished for.

Back From the Dead!!

So sobriety isn't easy...just like they said. At a year and some I have gone through a very draining separation, a job loss, huge financial stress and a very busy world. My job became finding a job. During this little journed I found out, yet again, that I am not good at not working. I have grown accustomed to my income...as we all do, and did not like being on unemployment! Besides that, they dubbed my ineligible because I didn't post my resume on their website....Yes, I was angry!!! Despite their nonsense, my tenacity served me and I got a job six weeks after I was let go. So my year begins...this one better than the last.

This year I am taking care of me! In taking care of me I am also taking care of my girls. This year I am going back to my plan of fixing me... With sobriety and the 12 steps comes a responsibility to repair ones mistakes of the past. While I did an ok job of starting this, I know that an ok job unfinished will not keep me sober. So this year is a year of repair without emeshment, without distractions........only with God. I will really work on becoming my best self this year!

Real Friends.....Even the kind who drink

One of my biggest gifts of recovery has been finding true friendships with people who care about my sobriety and my spiritual fitness. As I have gained my footing with almost a year and a half of sobriety, I have ventured out and cultivated some new relationships with some old friends...not old as in age, but from years and years ago. I had thought that my future existence would only be with sober people, but am learning that it is possible to have relationships with people who are able to drink in ways that I am not. With my 1.5 years, I have learned to have a voice and speak up for myself and define and enforce my boundaries. Today I can tell anyone that I am an alcoholic....without shame, without fear. It is what it is...I drank, I made huge mistakes, I hurt lots of people, but I'm not her anymore. So, today I can say I want to be your friend, but when you go to places where there is drinking, I am going to say no thank you. And you can know that I love you just the same.

Starting again....

Again, I have abandoned my blog. Life became life and struggles take time and energy. Thankfully, I am still sober despite a separation, job loss and my current need for housing. Through it all I look to and trust in my higher power.

Right now I have been facing what I believe to be a little bit of depression. I was let go from my job in December and had high hopes for a job that I applied to immediately after. Unfortunately, I am a nurse who has not worked in an acute care hospital in a long time, and because of that, did not get the first job I applied for. I am horrible at failure. I feel like I am stagnate, somewhat frozen. I have the first real free time that I have had in sobriety and a long time before that, and I don't know what to do with myself. People are asking me to do things and I am declining, making excuses.

Because I don't have a job, I am living on unemployment, which is half of my usual income. Needless to say, with all of this free time, I don't have money to do anything fun... So my existence is filled with trying to feed my family and keep a roof over our heads without my children knowing that I am pulling my hair out!

I have recently pulled away from my relationship which has been dwindling due to unforseen circumstances. This is weighing on my as I worry about my partner, but have realized that she has to be able to handle her own difficulties as I do mine. The hardest part is that I am missing my best friend when I need one most.

This is down and dirty, but I am going to try to do this every day as I know that writing helps me....that in recovery it is essential.

So, today I will pray, and I will apply for 5 jobs. That is my goal...5 jobs a day!!!

Avoiding Complacency

I started this blog months ago with high hopes and great intentions. Looking at the date of my last post.....So, I've decided to try again!

I'm going through a period of reflection as I have 363 days sober today! My world is changing and morphing around me. I remember in the first months of sobriety I was focused and consumed with my recovery. Today I am still both focused and consumed, but with my family and my work. I am receiving daily the gifts promised, but with the gifts come new distractions. A little bird reminded me lately that without recovery, there are no gifts. I have been running around pleasing people, trying to make everyone happy and, basically, doing a lot of things, but doing none of them well. What I have remembered in this month of disillusion is that none of this is my job. What a great feeling! I have great faith in my Higher Power, but had quietly forgotten what that means in my life. What out means to me usually, and again today, is that the only one I need to be concerned with is ME!

Wisdom comes from unexpected situations and conversations...last night one of my 9 year old twins asked me not to go to my meeting because she wanted to spend time with me. As I listened to my words to her resembling "without meetings, without sobriety, without you," I realized that I am in need of some action... This is a program of action, is it not?! So, here I go!