How time flies....it's June, my oldest just turned 12, I'm working at easily the best job I've ever had, I'm in love and I'm still sober. I was just reading my last blogs and remembering what a difficult time that was. I feel thankful that the program has given me the tools to have made it through some pretty difficult times. Through diligence and use of the tool I have stayed sober. I was thinking the other day about how fortunate I am. This week I spent my daughters bday doing fun things with her....it has been two years since I last was able to do that. My disease robbed me ofant things that recovery allows me to participate in today! I often wish that I could grab everyone in their disease and tell them that the promises are true....greater than I ever expected or could have wished for.

Back From the Dead!!

So sobriety isn't easy...just like they said. At a year and some I have gone through a very draining separation, a job loss, huge financial stress and a very busy world. My job became finding a job. During this little journed I found out, yet again, that I am not good at not working. I have grown accustomed to my income...as we all do, and did not like being on unemployment! Besides that, they dubbed my ineligible because I didn't post my resume on their website....Yes, I was angry!!! Despite their nonsense, my tenacity served me and I got a job six weeks after I was let go. So my year begins...this one better than the last.

This year I am taking care of me! In taking care of me I am also taking care of my girls. This year I am going back to my plan of fixing me... With sobriety and the 12 steps comes a responsibility to repair ones mistakes of the past. While I did an ok job of starting this, I know that an ok job unfinished will not keep me sober. So this year is a year of repair without emeshment, without distractions........only with God. I will really work on becoming my best self this year!

Real Friends.....Even the kind who drink

One of my biggest gifts of recovery has been finding true friendships with people who care about my sobriety and my spiritual fitness. As I have gained my footing with almost a year and a half of sobriety, I have ventured out and cultivated some new relationships with some old friends...not old as in age, but from years and years ago. I had thought that my future existence would only be with sober people, but am learning that it is possible to have relationships with people who are able to drink in ways that I am not. With my 1.5 years, I have learned to have a voice and speak up for myself and define and enforce my boundaries. Today I can tell anyone that I am an alcoholic....without shame, without fear. It is what it is...I drank, I made huge mistakes, I hurt lots of people, but I'm not her anymore. So, today I can say I want to be your friend, but when you go to places where there is drinking, I am going to say no thank you. And you can know that I love you just the same.

Starting again....

Again, I have abandoned my blog. Life became life and struggles take time and energy. Thankfully, I am still sober despite a separation, job loss and my current need for housing. Through it all I look to and trust in my higher power.

Right now I have been facing what I believe to be a little bit of depression. I was let go from my job in December and had high hopes for a job that I applied to immediately after. Unfortunately, I am a nurse who has not worked in an acute care hospital in a long time, and because of that, did not get the first job I applied for. I am horrible at failure. I feel like I am stagnate, somewhat frozen. I have the first real free time that I have had in sobriety and a long time before that, and I don't know what to do with myself. People are asking me to do things and I am declining, making excuses.

Because I don't have a job, I am living on unemployment, which is half of my usual income. Needless to say, with all of this free time, I don't have money to do anything fun... So my existence is filled with trying to feed my family and keep a roof over our heads without my children knowing that I am pulling my hair out!

I have recently pulled away from my relationship which has been dwindling due to unforseen circumstances. This is weighing on my as I worry about my partner, but have realized that she has to be able to handle her own difficulties as I do mine. The hardest part is that I am missing my best friend when I need one most.

This is down and dirty, but I am going to try to do this every day as I know that writing helps me....that in recovery it is essential.

So, today I will pray, and I will apply for 5 jobs. That is my goal...5 jobs a day!!!